Can I Blame My Nature?

It wasn’t my fault.  I know that it is petty, but it’s true–it wasn’t my fault.

He was an awkwardly splendid man.   I couldn’t call him shy, there may have been hesitation in him but not shyness.  He was tall and broad-shouldered.  He looked very proud of his Harley-Davidson motorcycle.  I for one dislike motorcycles, in my mind motorcycles are dangers. I had no temptation to ask for “a ride.”  However, I admired how he straddled the machine and I had wild ideas regarding him in a physical sense. Ideas which pretty young things run to the confessional regarding;  I don’t confess.

Yes, I looked at him.  Yes, I stopped to look at him.  No, I didn’t tell him to go away and yes; he knew how to shake hands with a woman in a way that was open and honest.  Irresistible.

Did he work at being open and honest?  Well, with me, I hope he had to work at it.  I hope he wanted to take my hand, pull me forward and wrap those big, fine, powerful arms around me and kiss me until my knees went weak.  

It still wasn’t my fault.  I did not play coy; I looked him in the eye and did my best to just keep walking whenever he happened past me.

I think men demand too much; I understand their need, and I understand the chase, but enough is enough.  A pity I didn’t walk away.  

Heaven above help me. Those narrow hips, those soft denim shirts and clean smell.  The tight t-shirts were a turnoff.  Total vanity.  Total.  When I saw the tight t-shirt, I could turn off the heart palpitations, and he didn’t get it.  He could sense it too–and I could sense his confusion.  The “what,” expression on a man is like a salient mark on a treasure map.

“Turn right at Mount Everest, you can’t miss it.”  That’s the “what,” expression on a man.  What?  Don’t you like it?  Do you know how I’ve worked for these arms, this chest, and hey, I’m not a youthful man!  On and on the “what,” expressions go.

So you can see, it wasn’t my fault.  I wasn’t out to distract him.  I wasn’t out to gain his attention.  I found him attractive, sure, but I didn’t flash my eyes at him and beg him to chase me down.  I’m just not that kind of… person.

Do you know a spider won’t eat its prey unless said prey is alive?

That’s how spider webs work, you know.  Invisibility and then trapped.  Spider webs work because so much of life doesn’t believe in death; especially their own.

He’s strong, he still twitches now and then, but it won’t be long until I must ignore another one and build yet another web.

All Free To ME

“So, what are you doing?”

“Pandering my life away, why?”

“Just wondering, want to pander some life in my direction?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“You broke my heart and I want nothing to do with you.”

“Then why didn’t you block my call?”

“I’m a masochist.”

“So why not let me come over?”

“Because I’m a self-respecting masochist.”

“That’s an oxymoron.”

“I’m that too.”

“No, that can’t be a ‘you,’ that’s an event, a lapse in logic.”

“I’m that too–lapsing in logic.”

“No.  Listen, everything on the planet does not define you.  These are happenings, not diagnosis or self-defining personality traits.”

“That’s not what my shrink says.”

“Who the hell is he, some mountain top Guru?”

“No, he’s my brother-in-law, he practices down on the South Side.”

“People pay him to make them psychological hypochondriacs?”

“No, he does it for free.  He makes his living baking cakes, but you know how dangerous that can be.”

“Sure, so for free he makes you feel like shit.”

“Yup, sorta what you did for a year – all free to me.”

“You know, perhaps you are just a lying masochistic looney.”

“Which makes you a truth-until-it- hurts sadist.”

“How can truth make me a sadist?”

“Truth alone isn’t sadistic but mix it with a person who is calling a psychological-wreck-of-a-human-being-because-you-broke-up with-her just so you can have a one-night stand is sadistic.  Tell you what, why don’t you hang-up on me, and hook-up with some visually turned on female at a bar so I can go on eating my cake.”

“You’re sick.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling you.”

Missing Shakespeare

“Let slip the dogs of war.”

He heard it first in a Star Trek movie years ago–he couldn’t remember which one.  Stirring his coffee and decided he couldn’t remember which Shakespeare play the quote was from either.  He knew whenever he thought of that quote now; he thought of his ex-wife.

He thought of her often. When that wriggling little black mass of gooey memory started forward he took the dog out and tossed the ball until they were both exhausted.  He worried because old Fido (his actual name) didn’t want to run and play fetch as often or as long as they used to.  That was a problem because lately that mentioned black mass of destruction was surfacing more often.

He knew why his second marriage was failing.  He married her on a whim.  She was there; he was there, a need met, and he thought he might as well continue meeting that need.  It was fine for the first six or seven months until she decided she was in love.

He dressed appropriately, was even happy on the day of the nuptials but now…

Now his coffee was stale and overcooked and the nice neat-as-a-pin house he lived in had a thin layer of dust dulling the sparkle he remembered.

His second wife couldn’t cook and that was fine, it was just the two of them and he enjoyed cooking.  She enjoyed reading and at first that was fine.  They enjoyed walking downtown to the used bookstore, he would walk away with an edition of Sir Walter Scott he couldn’t believe he had the good luck to find and she would walk away with a bag of paperbacks.

At first it was fun.  She tried everything on him–everything.  He even flipped through her books once but when he came across some descriptive parts of the male anatomy, he thought he’d leave it up to her.

The marriage was about a year old when he found himself wide-awake beside her.  She was softly sleeping while he puzzled about life throughout the night.  What scene had they played out, what plagiarism in bed did they perpetrate?

That’s when the face of his first wife drifted in front of him and he sat bolt upright.  What if he slipped, what if he got so caught up in the current rush of love making but uttered in ecstasy his first wife’s name?

His first wife read Shakespeare and used to quote long segments at a time.  She read and reread the plays.  She looked so lovely during the festivals they attended.  They were young, inexperienced and let slip away the teachings of commitment.

He didn’t mourn her memory but her memory of Shakespeare. The taunts, the jibes, the certain bawdy humor and a sense of a night walk with ghosts and skulls and the best of ill luck. The slap and suck of sweat dimmed quickly in comparison.

He stirred his coffee and watched the dust motes on the windowpane.

The Beautiful

I saw her in the obituaries a couple days ago–and now her funeral is just across the street, in a stately Catholic church, but I won’t go.

She was beautiful when she was young, according to the tastes of the crowds; I found her loud.  I will confess, her photograph on the electronic obituary held only a memory of her beauty when I knew her.  I suppose her real beauty was on a George Orwell sort of scale; the fleeting beauty of youth hanging soggy laundry in the ghetto side of town.  Then marriage, children, a thickening waist — so become lumps.

Sometimes the beautiful don’t do well with the lump stage of life.

She wore the short skirt of a cheerleader on Friday. She was invited to all the parties on Saturday and went to Mass on Sundays. Her hair was always perfect.

I remember her parents, how proud they seemed of how fine she looked cheering the football team on in those chilly October nights.  They stood close to the cheerleaders, passing them hot cocoa and smiling back at friends who sat close together under blankets looking safe from the cold of autumn and the promise of winter. 

She was a hairdresser at her own upscale salon that she and her friends started. I was a walk in. I wanted a cut, something different. She didn’t recognize me from our high school days. Why remember a wall flower? After shampooing my hair she asked,”How do you want me to cut it?”

“I’m looking for something different.”

She pursed her lips and looked out the window. Friday night was beginning to glow outside the large window. “Right. Well I need some direction okay.”

“You in a hurry?”

She looked at my reflection in the mirror. She narrowed her eyes and tapped the sharp little scissors on the edge of my chair. I paid her for the shampoo and didn’t tip her. I went home and cut my own hair. No hard feelings, sincerely.

Her obituary stated she was survived by her fur baby, Hank.

That…Something

It was his birthday.  Of all days, right?  When I see people out and about now after  meeting  him, I want to say, “don’t be so happy, don’t have so much fun on your birthday.”

Minutes before his birthday is when I met him.  He seemed sad, and his body jerked about in an unhinged manner; his walk seemed in control of a puppet master as he hitched along and into the coffee shop.

Though I’m alone in this world I’m careful.  I’m not one of those nut jobs who despair and do crazy things to herself.  My little job and a little apartment in a dingy part of Indianapolis keep me busy and mostly content. Indianapolis is better than Chicago, where I grew up.  Though I live in a dingy, cheap part of Indy, the city is a bright place where people live, rather than parade around.

The birthday man; he staggered into the little coffee shop I was working and he said he spilled bourbon on his trousers.  He used the word trousers, and I tried not to laugh.  His eyes were big and blue and his fading red hair looked blond.  I was certain that most of the bourbon he had that night had gone into him and not on his “trousers.”

It was 30 minutes until closing and I glanced over at Joe.  Correct, at the coffee shop, my boss’ name is Joe.  His actual name is Herbert Lloyd, but he likes Joe.  Joe shrugged at me and that was my signal to turn the “open,” sign off and pour this guy a cup of deep, dark, black coffee.  Joe swept the floor and clattered the dishes in the steel sink in the back.

“Listen,” I said to the guy who used the word trousers for the word pants, “listen, you are drunk and this is downtown Indianapolis.  You will get put away for public intoxication if you go out there again.”

“I realize that,” his voice sounded sort of choppy.  He was broad-shouldered, and he spread his arms across the black round table, lowering his chin almost to the tabletop.  “I came in here because I was afraid of just that.  I’m not from around here and I’ve heard of American jails.”

“Finish your coffee,” I said.

Joe rolled his eyes at me when I stepped behind the counter to wash the dishes.  “What are you going to do with the guy?  You gonna take him home?  He’ll puke all over the bus.  The guy smells like a Kentucky brewery.”

“Do you think he’s from Kentucky?  He sounds funny.”

“You’re hopeless.  He’s not from the US, okay.”

That fascinated me more.  An actual foreigner.  I finished cleaning the kitchen, and I swept the floor again because Joe doesn’t always do a good job.  Joe and I placed the chairs on the tables all around the man who stank like bourbon.  I thought when I was getting my purse from under the counter that the man in trousers looked as if he was in jail; all the chair legs serving as bars.

“Come on.  I’ll get you to where you need to be.”

“My hotel is somewhere near, I’m sure.” He looked about, his chin down and his eyes narrowed; “I’m getting better.” He stood and his reddish, thin eyebrows wrinkled into a worried look.

We walked toward the center of town and he faltered just beyond a well-lit parking lot, coughed and then heaved coffee and bourbon all over a good portion of Indianapolis.  He hung on to a lamppost, swaying in the still night as if a gale force wind was blowing.  After the initial launch he wretched, but heroically stretched his neck out to avoid splattering his suit.  I didn’t blame him.  That suit looked expensive.

After barfing for a long time he breathed steadily, clinging all the while to the light post, his nose red and his hair sort of flying about his head in a weird white-red halo.

“What is the time, please?” he asked in his clipped voice

“12:30 AM,” I replied

“Today is my birthday,” he informed me

“Happy Birthday.”  Thankfully, he stared down at the sidewalk because I was at a loss; he wasn’t overjoyed about the occasion.  Should I smile, pretending I didn’t understand?  Should I look grave, frown and nod?

“I’m 60 today.” He said it with a repressed belch, his face turning bright red, I thought he would start the dry heaves but he gained control of himself.    It was obvious he was too old to be vomiting bourbon and coffee in a foreign city, but I didn’t want to appear rude.

“I wanted to come to an out-of-the-way city, buy a prostitute, have incredible sex and get drunk.”

“Well, you seem to have done well.”

“No, I’ve only got sick-drunk.”

“I’m not a prostitute.”

He turned to face me. His eyes looked a bright blue, like a newborn baby’s bright blue eyes. “I would not mistake you for a prostitute.”  He seemed sincere.  He took a deep breath, “I guess I’m not one either.” He frowned, leaned over and puked again.

“Listen, it’s late, but people are still around.  This is Indianapolis and they will call the police.” I looked about for the slow-moving squad car and the frowning cop.

“People in Indianapolis don’t like drunks?”

“No.” I wanted to sound emphatic, but I sounded scared even to myself.

“Good.” He pushed himself off the lamppost and staggered backward.  I grabbed his arm and kept him steady.

“Is that your hotel?” I said pointing to the large squarish building where all rich people go when staying in Indianapolis.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“It’s the best one down here.”

“Oh, I see. That obvious am I?” I rolled my eyes, and he frowned at me.

“Don’t do that young woman, you have beautiful eyes, rolling them like that makes you appear haughty.”

I pulled him forward, and we walked into the side of the hotel where I hoped someone would help us.  I pushed open the heavy glass doors, concerned because the odor of vomit prevailed about his entire person.

“There you are, you bastard.”

She was beautiful.  She wore velvety black that shown silver when she moved.  Her heels were high and her hair was long and shiny.  “And with a prostitute, too.  You pathetic bastard.”

Hotel management gathered around us and asked the lady with the same choppy voice as the man who said “trousers,” to be quiet.

“Ha, I’ll be quiet.  After I take him for all he’s worth.”

“You can’t Mabel (Mable? I’m still shocked at such a name) you signed a prenuptial.”  He laughed into Mabel’s face.  She turned a little green.

“You pig, you stink!”

I backed away, but he grabbed my arm.  “Call this young girl a cab, she saved me from jail tonight.”

A small crowd of onlookers pooled in the far corner of the marble lobby, gazing at us.

I looked at Mabel, frightened; I wanted no one to think I was a prostitute.

“This young lady works at the coffee shop down the road and she saved me from the prying eyes of Indianapolis,” said the birthday man in a loud strident voice.

My heart drop, no one would believe I wasn’t a prostitute now.

“Please fetch her a cab,” said the man, pulling at my arm and leaning this way and that.

I pulled my arm free from his grasp and he staggered and fell.  I reached out for him, as did the night porter.  In helping him up, he looked at me, his eyes bleary and bloodshot.  “I’m so sorry, please forgive me, Mabel, but it’s my birthday, and I wanted, I wanted… something (I could see his little pink tongue as he lisped the word ‘something’).  “I don’t know anymore.  Five years ago I wanted you on my arm and next to me at dinner parties, but the money has changed you.  It’s not your fault, sweetheart.”

Pulling myself away, I left him to the porter and hotel management and Mabel.  He’d never find it, that “something,” I was certain of that.